swallow, bitch.

honestly would start smoking. if it didn’t smell so obvious, i probably would have already

binge binge binge, purge purge purge

strangely ritualistic. 

are you happy now? did you feel fucking good when you ate all that pizza? did you enjoy every last bit of that sushi? how bout that pop? you worthless, weak piece of shit. get on your knees. hang your head. let the chunks spew. you don’t deserve any of this. you’re always going to be fucked up. don’t ever think for a minute you’re ever going to be normal ever again.

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104

so fucking close

Went through all my jeans today and got rid of the ones that don’t fit. Since high school started, I’ve dropped 4 pants sizes. 7, 5, 3, 1 and right down to 0. I’m not sure if I want to go to 00 just yet. I even ate a little more than usual and I stayed at my current weight. While I’m so proud of myself, I just want to see those 7 pounds shed. Then I’ll be truly happy. I’m so close to being there. So. Fucking. Close.

I always wake up and think “today is the day I’m going to change. Today, I’m not going to feel guilty. I’m going to eat until I burst, I’m going to keep it in my stomach, and I’m going to love my body.”

And it works… for a while. I can eat. Sometimes, I even eat a lot. But there’s these moments where it all comes crashing down. And I just feel like the food I’ve consumed is irreversible. I throw it up, I take more diet pills, but the feelings don’t ever go away. I’ve always known drying myself out didn’t work. I wouldn’t still feel this way if it did. Now I’ve discovered that drowning myself doesn’t hide these feelings either. Nothing will.

i just feel like shit

all

the

time

fuck